Today I will be giving you in depth descriptions and some random pictures of what I eat in a week, for no reason really, but I mean who wouldn’t want to see what I eat, probably nobody to be honest. Anyway, enjoy because I eat some pretty bomb ass food, or at least I think so. Also whenever i say i baked something it’s at about 200 degrees Celsius. Let’s go baby.
Breakfast: Apple porridge (i make this by peeling and chopping one apple into little pieces, I then cook them with a splash of water, lemon juice, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg and about a tablespoon of brown sugar, I cook it till they feel slightly softened. I then add half a cup of porridge oats and half a cup of a mixture of half Hazelnut milk half water – that’s what you do when you want the flavour of hazelnut milk but you’re poor af and don’t want to waste it so you dilute it. I cook it till it’s the thickness i want which is quite runny since I hate thick porridge, I then sprinkle brown sugar on top which melts and drizzle maple syrup too) this is probably one of my favourite breakfasts and it smells so fucking good, like apple frickin pie bro. Sometimes I put some peanutbutter in the middle too, or tahini which I haven’t had for a long time.
Lunch: Sriracha tofu with mushroom rice, rocket with balsamic vinegar, lil fried shrooms and cooked broccoli – all drizzled with sriracha on top (I make the rice by mixing in half a crumbled mushroom stock cube and a fuck load of butter which melts the stock cube in the warm rice and makes it flavourful and creamy from the butter. The tofu I make by coating half a block of tofu in cornstarch after pressing it with paper towels to get rid of excess water, slicing into thick slabs and then frying till it gets crispy, I also mix some salt into the cornstarch to give it flavour – when it’s crispy I put it onto a baking tray with foil and cover it in sauce, baking for 20 minutes, although I get impatient so usually only keep it for 10 to 15 minutes. The sauce is made by mixing one table spoon of the following: golden syrup, white rice vinegar and soy sauce, as well as two table spoons of sriracha and two of olive oil – I often use more sriracha though and you can use any oil. The mushrooms I fry in a little bit of oil with salt till they get nice and brown and juicy, I always get lil baby shrooms and take the stalks/stems off, whatever the heck they’re called. This is a meal I have a lot, sometimes I’ll have it everyday with slightly different variations of vegetables, but it always has the rice and the tofu, the rice can also be made with vegetable stock but I like mushroom best.) The tofu in this specifically is so good it just makes me want to N U T and makes my eyes fucking rolllllll. A lot of people don’t like tofu because they have soft plain tofu which just tastes and feels like a flaccid dick, you have to season the baby, make it crispy, sauce it up – take care of it you know, make it hard.
Dinner: Jacket potato with baked beans (baked beans are warmed from a can surprise surprise and the jacket potato I pierce with a fork and put in the microwave for ten minutes as the oven preheats, I then cut a vertical and horizontal line in the potato and drizzle olive oil, and add salt and pepper and bake for 40 minutes. When it’s done I put a fuck load of butter into it before pouring the hot beans on top and adding more salt because I’m a fucking addict and overdose on salt in every meal – You don’t want to see the quantity salt I use, I’m surprised i’m not dead).
Snacks: Like half a bag of chilli heatwave Doritos which I ran to Sainsbury’s for 5 minutes before closing time (I made it and I’ve never felt such exhilaration). I also had skittles which is something that I always just have sitting open on my desk, they’re constantly going inside me. A couple of years ago I’d eat an entire pack a day. I also had some dark chocolate truffle things from hotel chocolate, they’re dusted with cocoa and have a hazelnutty centre and tastes like jesus’s cum if it were chocolate flavoured, they’re called the gianduja bombe selector (if you want the vegan ones make sure it says something like 70% cocoa since they do a version that is milk chocolate) they’re my favourite chocolate ever, along with the Green & Blacks 85% dark chocolate.
Drinks: A strong as a motherfucker cup of coffee – i don’t know how many shots this would equal to but no one can drink my coffee, a bag of Starbucks beans lasts me for about two to three coffees (no fucking wonder I’m poor and dehydrated and my breath smells like an actual asshole). I also had water but yea I have that everyday, also I get really thirsty right before going to sleep, why is that? Does someone know?
Breakfast: Apple porridge (same shit as i described for Sunday’s breakfast).
Lunch: Gosh mushroom burger (vegan burger things you can buy in Tesco and other places), in a sesame seed bun with smoked hummus (which is new and the best thing I’ve ever tasted because i love anything smoked and i love hummus), barbecue sauce and some baked tortilla on the side with hummus to dip (i basically cut the tortilla like a pizza and baked till it felt crispy).
Dinner: Boiled baby potatoes (with butter and salt on top), two vegan sausages (Linda McCartney ones which i baked till crisp on the outside) and rocket with balsamic vinegar on top.
Snacks: Medjool dates, like a quarter of a watermelon which was a bitch to cut up, skittles and dark chocolate like the day before.
(Me proudly holding a watermelon, pretending I’m Baby from Dirty Dancing and saying “I carried a watermelon”).
Drinks: Coffee, water and grapefruit juice.
Breakfast: Plain porridge with maple syrup – basically the same shit as the apple porridge but minus the apple cooking, i make this when i can’t be bothered to make fancy flavored porridge.
Lunch: Violife (the best vegan cheese I’ve ever tried), rocket and cucumber sandwich (using Polish half wheat, half rye sourdough bread (from Sainsbury’s bro)), plus Whole Foods (as in the store) spicy tofu, turmeric rice and vegan mole (it’s in the hot food section where you pick random foods and put it in a box and then spend all your money on 2 pieces of tofu because it’s so expensive). Also I’ve always spelled ‘turmeric’ as ‘tumeric’ but the spell checker is only now telling me it’s ‘turmeric’ what is this? I’ve been spelling it wrong my entire life, it makes me want to kill myself when that happens. Oh yea and the sandwich had butter which is the vitalite dairy free butter, the only butter i ever use because it’s the best butter.
Dinner: Spaghetti with a lentil, courgette, onion tomato sauce and nutritional yeast sprinkled on top. I make the sauce by frying half a chopped onion and half a sliced courgette in olive oil, salt, and pepper till nice and brown and slightly burned to be honest because i like it that way, i then add either chopped tomatoes or tomato passatta, this time tomato passatta, until it looks saucy enough for me, as well as half a can of green lentils and i cook that shit up with basil, oregano, garlic, salt and pepper till it’s hot enough that it burns my mouth when i stupidly try some straight from the pan, as it literally sizzles and boils on my spoon, yea i’m stupid because i do it every time, especially with hot tofu.
Snacks: Golden Oreos, skittles, Yorica ice cream (half mint chocolate chip and half salted caramel which was bomb as hell and the best flavours in the shop and honestly make me wet, fun fact: i first had mint chocolate chip ice cream because i was reading about serial killers’ last meals and one dude just had a fuck load of mint chip ice cream and i was like ok imma have to try this now), cherries (the whole pack), and some Medjool dates. Also Yorica is a great ice cream/fro-yo place to get vegan ice cream and for those who have various different allergies – they do waffles and crepes too.
(My ice cream is the one on the left – the right is matcha frozen yoghurt which is also delicious).
(Those are my legs as i eat cherries, i know you’re welcome).
Drinks: Coffee, water and Oolong tea (more like Mmmlong, am i right? because it’s Mmm so good… okay i’m sorry i said that, i regret it instantly).
Breakfast: Porridge with banana, peanut butter and maple syrup (same shit as usual but i put chopped banana on top and a dollop of peanut butter in the middle and hey presto, perfecto, bravisimo, i don’t know, it’s some good shit though. Also something else that’s some good shit but i didn’t eat this week: a grilled (or fried or whatever) sandwich with peanutbutter, fried banana, golden syrup and cinnamon, bitchhhhhh).
Lunch: Sweet potato wrap and corn on the cob. Corn on the cob is pretty basic, cook that shit up for 10 mins in boiling water and cover it in a fuck load of butter and salt and then spread the rest of the day flossing because sweetcorn is stuck in your teeth. For the wrap i chop up sweet potato (i don’t peel or wash, since i’m a dirty lazy hoe who doesn’t give a fuck, plus i like the skin) and drizzle olive oil, sprinkle smoked paprika, salt, pepper and sometimes parsley but i didn’t have parsley this time and i bake that shit till the potato is soft on the inside which is usually around 20 minutes. I then put it in a wrap with a fuck load of hummus, some rocket or spinach leaves, depending on whatever i happen to have in the fridge, one tomato cut up into pieces, some tabasco sauce (surprisingly my least favourite hot sauce) and sweet chilli sauce.
Dinner: Potato chickpea soup – i usually cook this with one carrot instead of chickpeas but felt like trying it with half a can of chickpeas which i added when the soup was almost done so i wouldn’t overcook them. I basically put in water, one potato cubed and one vegetable stock cube and the chickpeas into a pot and cook that shit up, sometimes i add some sage or chilli flakes or both. This bowl has sage, which i need to buy more of actually. Another fun thing i eat is roasted potato, onion and carrot which i put a fuck load of sage on and then eat with a dollop of hummus and some ketchup.
Snacks: Passion fruit and Skittles.
Drinks: Water, grapefruit juice and coffee.
Breakfast: Chocolate porridge (same as usual but i mix in one tablespoon of cocoa powder when the porridge is cooking). I had some watermelon too.
Lunch: Rice with ginger tofu, lil shrooms and hummus. Same shit as I described earlier but for the tofu sauce i mix two tablespoons of golden syrup, some ginger powder, a table spoon of soy sauce and two table spoons of olive oil.
Dinner: Pasta salad and roasted chickpeas on the side which i basically throw in the oven till they get crisp after putting Frank’s red hot sauce on it, along with salt and a little drizzle of olive oil. I also had some blueberry soy yoghurt (Alpro one which is surprisingly amazing considering I’m not a big fan of yoghurt – to quote Matt Smith in Doctor Who: “it’s just stuff with bits in”), with hot pasta mixed into it – it sounds weird but don’t fucking judge it till you try it, pasta and yoghurt is a childhood favourite food for me. The pasta salad had chopped up avocado, spring onion, rocket and tomato, as well as olive oil, lemon juice, basil, salt, pepper and oregano.
Snacks: Watermelon, one medjool date and some gherkins.
Drinks: Water and coffee.
Breakfast: Peanutbutter banana porridge (which i said how i make earlier).
Lunch: Violife cheese toastie – i put two slices of violife inside two pieces of bread and put it in the microwave for a few seconds till the cheese melts, then i fry it in a pan with a little butter till crispy on the outside. Oh i also sprinkle some salt inside the toastie because like i said, i have a problem. For some reason melted violife reminds me of Camembert/brie and i don’t know why but i love the taste of both of them so that’s awesome.
Dinner: Gosh burger, same one as before (but no bun because i ran out), with roast potato, as well as rocket, spring onion and tomato salad with balsamic and Frank’s red hot sauce to drizzle over everything… i later used sriracha also.
Snacks: Crosstown doughnut (they do vegan ones on specific days i think just Friday, Saturday and Sunday as a trial run or something i don’t know but i’m glad it exists, i ordered it online and went to pick it up as there’s one near my house and it was fucking beautiful, i got the plain vanilla bean one). I also had golden oreos and blueberry yoghurt.
Drinks: Grapefruit juice, coffee, water and Oolong tea.
Breakfast: Peanut butter banana porridge, as mentioned before.
Lunch: Ginger tofu (made the same as when i had it with rice) sandwich with sriracha, spinach, rocket and spring onion (and a fuck load of salt and pepper).
Dinner: Avocado pasta with chopped tomato: i blend one avocado with a splash of water, splash of olive oil, salt, pepper and a teeny squeeze of lemon juice (you gotta blend this shit for ages to get it to a saucy and creamy consistency). I then mixed it into pasta, added more salt and put chopped tomato on top as well as some basil. Also whenever i get a basil plant i kill it, so instead i have to use dried basil but fresh is bomb as heck and really makes the difference.
Snacks: for some reason i didn’t include snacks for this day but i’m positive i had snacks, i ALWAYS have snacks, i probably just finished off the rest of the Doritos and had some skittles but i can’t be certain. Snacks were definitely had though. Oh wait, i do remember having an apple, because it was a disappointingly soft apple.
Drinks: Grapefruit juice, water and coffee.
And that’s it…
The following foods i didn’t eat in the week but i wanted to include because i have often and deserve to be mentioned because they taste frickin’ great:
-Hot dog (half baked baguettes from tesco which you have to bake for 10 mins and are soft as hell, baked Linda McCartney sausages, fried onion and a fuck load of ketchup and mustard).
-Toast with butter, sliced tomato, spring onion, salt, pepper and sriracha.
-Pasta with a hummus sauce and some fried shrooms on top. I usually just mix hummus into the hot pasta and call it a meal but i decided to try something new and created a new sauce (mix hummus with half a stock cube, some nutritional yeast and like 3 table spoons of boiling water – makes for a creamy, salty and slightly cheesy sauce).
-I also developed a new recipe, it’s thee old mushroom rice but i add peppers and onion which i fry in garlic, ginger, salt and pepper in some olive oil (oh and when i say salt and pepper i always mean cracked black pepper). When i mix that shit up i add some soy sauce drops too.
-Chickpea curry (made by frying onion and courgette, then adding chickpeas, cooked potato, cooked carrot and coconut milk and cooking that shit up with spices. The spices and herbs i use are: salt, pepper, chilli flakes, Frank’s red hot sauce, cumin, turmeric, lemon juice and ginger. If the sauce is too runny i sprinkle and mix in some flour to make it thicker, just a little dusting, you don’t want to over-do it or you’ll have gross lumps of flour.
-Ramen: i cook mushroom stock in water with noodles, as well as Thai 7 spice mix and when it’s cooked i put it in a bowl and top it off with fried shrooms, spinach or rocket, shredded carrot, sweetcorn and radish (occasionally i put tofu too but it’s too much effort usually for my lazy ass).
So yep, that’s all the food i ate in a week plus some more, as you can see i often have the same stuff: coffee, water, grapefruit juice, skittles, oreos, tofu and porridge for breakfast everyday. When i find something i like i get obsessed with it and will eat it forever. I’ve literally been eating porridge everyday for like 2 years and i’m not fucking exaggerating. This was probably kind of a mess of a post but whatever, I’m going to go finish my Trek flapjack and go to bed because it’s 5:30 a motherfucking AM.
Enjoy a picture of me drinking coffee from my cunt mug:
And here’s a beautiful bonus shot of a mug of coffee i drank:
Okay i’ll leave now, sorry.